SUNDAY HEART RAMBLES.
On my mat, first time in a month really, with my bruised but not broken toe, I couldn’t use my full left foot on many of the poses, I struggled and shook on my left side while I sailed through poses easily on my right. “My right side doesn’t need to get any stronger,” I thought, my right side is already physically stronger, I’m right handed, and just two days ago an astrologer did my chart and told me I came into this world with almost all my planets on the right hemisphere of my chart and she said it was rare, but we both laughed, because DING… It made so much sense that I woulld have emerged so shifted to the right, so completely right-sided. I’ve been called right brained all my life— Just a quick pull from the web (thank goddess for web today, today I’m out in the garden of the library) shows the simple differences between “right brained” and “left brained” people:
"The Right Brain: The right side of the brain is best at expressive and creative tasks. Some of the abilities that are popularly associated with the right side of the brain include
Expressing emotions, Music, Reading emotions, Color, Images, Intuition, Creativity.
check check check check check check
The Left Brain: The left-side of the brain is considered to be adept at tasks that involve logic, language and analytical thinking. The left-brain is often described as being better at: Language, Logic, Critical thinking, Numbers, Reasoning.”
Critical Thinking? No. Logic? No. Numbers? No. Reasoning? No.
Anway. I thought about how injuries happen when we’re flying through the Miracle too fast. When we get so busy or caught up and so disconnected that we are not integrating or remotely in the experience. So then you get sidelined, you’re benched, you’re off the mat. The universe gives you a time-out, like when my sister and I were 12 and we got pulled over by the ski staff for racing down the mountain in so crazily and fast we were likely to hurt ourself our others. “YOU’RE OUT OF CONTROL, OFF THE SLOPES” came the voice from the Bullhorn. And despite our embarrassment we were so grateful because we REALLY DIDNT KNOW what we were doing but had too much pride to say so- but we were scared to death. And on the bench it’s all you can do to become a spectator to the Amazingness again, to LOOK at the Miracle is all you can do, and see how you would do it differently if you could, or how you would re-enter from a different door, and remember wistfully the simplest of health benefits or physical abilities you once took so carelessly for granted. On the bench you RE-see. You re-see that it’s amazing we are here and can do anything at all- even more amazing, we can do anything— you-re-see all the possibility there is out there, everything to explore, so many chances to change, transform, or turn it all around. There are lots of other “benchings,” separations, like when a break up occurs, the relationship is put on hold or pause so that you can see it for what it is again, the whole “dont know what you got til its gone” phenomenon, and it is like a phenomenon, like the curtain being pulled up or the third eye being opened. Sometimes you see what you were taking for granted- like a friend of mine just experienced— or sometimes in that pause you see how much you had conceded— like another friend of mine just realized. Either way, being benched from your life offers all kinds of beneficial vantage points. You know when you’re in the mud but you’re just slamming on the acceletor, getting deeper in. No. “Back up and reload,” Sherry says. Back up, look at the big picture, come back to it all in a different way with a different view. The New Multitudes sing, “Change your pen, change your ink, change the way you talk and think.” This is what pause allows us.
And that when I was in PITTA/Fire mode all July, I really let everyone else GET to me. When I am enlightened, I really don’t - atleast not in that insane way, where if a stranger doesn’t wave back, you think, “well, fuck you.” that’s INSANE. All that matters is you waved, you smiled, you vibrated love, you sent kindess and love. YOU WAVED THATS ALL THAT MATTERS. It’s never between anyone else really. It’s Always Between You and God, you and Spirit, You and the Goddess. You have to be the change. You are the change. You choose your highest self and you become her and you are LOVE. And dont we know it— the people who don’t smile and wave back at people are the people who need love the most. So KEEP GIVING. KEEP GLOWING. GLOW INSPITE AND INSTEAD AND BECAUSE. Your lovelight will only grow bigger when it is given to the poeple who need it the most. We can all hug and be shri and love in yoga class when everyone’s love light is turned on but can we do it off the mat? Take the love off the mats, take if out of your house, and into the world. This is the whole point. The New Age is now, and as Neale Donald Walsch says, it’s time to choose. And still- on the topic of others— So they still gossip about you, or they didnt forgive you, or they aren’t “nice” to you? It still doenst matter. You still forgive You still dont gossip. You still send love. It simply doesnt matter what anywone else does or doesnt do, you are love. No exceptions.
We are never going to raise this planet’s vibration if we’re doing tit-for-tate, eye for an eye. An eye for an eye society got us into this mess. It’s that crabs-in-a-bucket, one person makes it out to the top into the light and the others on the bottom in the dark want to pull him down thing. No… were never going to get anywhere that way. Stay up and shine. Stay a light house, shine from shore, dont get in the black water.
Since the day after the full moon, I’ve had 3 significant moments with 3 highly symbolic animals- and three is a big number for me of late- how many times I kiss gracies snooter, the 3 faces of the goddess, and three phases- BIRTH DEATH LIFE. I’m 33, and I feel the Christ heart, the God thought, and I have born and died and been reborn so many times already this year, Im feeling that. That lovely Mayan Astrologer said I am ending my last cylce of 13 along with the end of the Mayan Calendar in December, and beginning my next powerful cycle - coming into my own- in the next year. So anyway, the other night biked with through town to meet a friend and I was recognizing the internal shift I had experienced after the moon, coming home once more and feeling re-united when I felt that bug on skin feeling and I jumped and watched a not-so-small spider ran down my arm.
The meaning of Spider in India is associated with Maya. The term Maya comes from the Sanskrit root “Ma” which means no form or limit. The term Maya describes the illusory nature of appearances. The Spider’s association with Maya brings about the understanding that not all things are as they appear to be.
The Spider symbol meaning in Egypt, is akin to Neith, a complex deity usually depicted with arrows as she is associated with hunting. Along with hunting, she is also associated with the creation, specifically the process of recreation in the dawning and dusking of each day.
The next morning, a small brown snake slithered alongside my path and stopped and hissed at me. I stopped to appreciate her beauty, then got the hell out of her way.
The ancient Celts were extremely nature-wise too, and approached snake symbolism from the behavior and life cycle of this magnificent creature. From the Celtic perspective, the snake was a symbol of secret knowledge, cunning and transformation. In the keen Celtic mind, snake symbolic meaning of transformation came from the shedding of its skin. Physical evidence of leaving its form behind (casting off the old self), and emerging a sleeker, newer version made the snake a powerful symbol of rebirth and renewal.
ALSO: A natural ability to balance energies (you’re likely a gifted healer). Diplomatic and eloquent in areas of speech and writing. Dynamically intuitive (often knowing other’s thoughts and emotional states without trying). Impulsive, but not without careful consideration. This may sound paradoxical, but those with the snake totem know what I mean here.
This morning driving home from yoga, a peacock walked the bush alongside the road, it seemed like it veered out just so I could see it.
A symbol for Lakshmi, Brahma, Skanda and Kwan Yin, (Kwan Yin has visited me, or I her, I should say, in Hawaii.) She is also a symbol for royalty and awakening. The peacock is a possessor of some of the most admired human characteristics, and is a symbol of integrity and the beauty we can achieve when we endeavor to show our true colors.”
Brahma really caught my eye though, as he’s the God of Creation and his wife is Saraswati (music, arts). He arrived on a lotus flower, and he created the world.
DOESNT THAT STRIKE YOUR HEART? ARENT YOU ARRIVING LIKE A LOTUS FLOWER FROM THE MUD, AND CREATING YOUR OWN WORLD?
Staying here through the hard parts was/is following through. And Ive never been good at the follow through. And good people, what do I always say of good people? I say “she really follows through.” I wouldn’t mind hearing that about myself one of these days, I really wouldn’t. The first time I ever started to write a book it was in the kitchen at Watch Hill ten years ago and someone asked me what I was doing. When I told them, I heard, “She won’t finish it though,” it was my sister in the corner. “Sarah never finishes anything.” And she was right, I still haven’t finished a book or a screenplay, and I am not one who follows through.
I was walking back from the beach with my friend and her children yesterday, this sweet and spiritual little family of women that’s adopted me somewhat, and we were talking about girl’s names and I said, “I was almost named Victoria,” and the older girl, with her long brown legs and big brown eyes said, “well, you ARE victorious.” When those girls say things like that I wish I could pick them up and swing them around in the air and then toss them up towards heaven, where they most certainly came from. I love those little girls.
I heard my True Love’s voice in the wind on my bike by the graveyard the other day. He said,
"Do you want to find me sooner rather than later?"
"Then love yourself as much as possible. Hurl yourself without abandon into what you love and only what you love. You know what it is, Do it. Let that light in your heart swallow you whole until you become it completley and it you, be walking love for your life and life itself and then I will find you."
I don’t see how I used to think running away from a place would work, it seems to make sense to me that you would always just be running from yourself because you are running from the choices you made and your choices are you. And running is giving up. Running is abandoning self. I don’t see how I ever thought that was a real solution. There is only, as Sherry says, “you and you.” That’s all that’s out there, you and you. Where are you running?
I saw a witchy goddess friend at a wedding in Nebraska and her sweet husband asked me how I liked living on an Island and I said it holds me accountable and makes me responsible for my choices. There are no bridges on which to run away and good luck if you try to burn any on island. Its deeply healing to see and face someone who hurt you or whom you hurt. We heal, we remain. We forgive, we go on.
On one of my first dates with that guy I dated this spring I was at an elecrifyingly - possibly annoyingly— awake stage from having just recently returned to the healing ground of this island and being in yoga teacher training— days full of spiritual conversation and reading and long hours of asana— and I said to him, pompously and errantly I see now, “We’re both so awake.” And he laughed at me like I was a child— he told me last month I was “a baby about all of this” spirituality stuff and I am— I mean I really only woke up last spring— that’s why it’s insane of me to get so frustrated when I fall off my path or back into the mud— I mean, I am a Child of this Universe and I just woke up last spring. I am A baby, a toddler, just learning after 30 years of programmed suffering— Kianna calls this post-awakening time Galactic Kindergarten. We’re LEARNING. I’m just learning. There is no such thing as Spiritual Perfection. And there is no where to go, or AP class to be accepted to or graduate to Spirtual Harvard— there is only everything in the BE-ing in the Now. Anyway, he laughed at me and said, “we’re a little bit awake but many masters would tell us both we have a very long way to go.” I see that, but I also see how, like everything in life, like energy and the water- which is everything in life— it comes and goes.
But he is leading me to something else I wanted to say, which I can sort of bounce off this Eckhart Tolle quote that I love so much: “Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You won’t die. You will come to life. And don’t be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it’s their problem…You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.”
So the new meat for me of that is in “when they define you, they are limiting themselves.” So yes, dont just NOT DEFINE yourself, but you cannot define others either. You have to allow others the same mutable endless infinite existence as you yourself have/ are. Constant freedom to change and grow. Once you say I am that, you are no longer that. You are not one thing, you are everything. We are Presence, I Am Consciousness, multitudes as Whitman says, undefinable and always changing, eterntal and infinite. So, in my head I always wanted this man to be one way or one thing, because yes it’s easier that way, less confusing. Well if it’s too confusing stop trying to label or understand. Just let it be. I told myself who he was and I was rigid about that. And so we both lost out. You are never definable. And that’s all I wanted to say about that really, that this is so dangerous. And that besides that man, to all the people in my life, I release you to be in constant flux. Allow them the room for constant change and evolution. Because it’s happenign to all of us, constantly. None of us are who were yesterday, or this morning. Allow them so much space and freedom to change and grow. Never ask for yourself what you cannot give to others. Show up as You in this new Moment, and allow them to show up in this new moment too— not as who they were last week, year, or yesterday, or as that one thing they said or did. They are infinite, so Are You.
From Any Expectations, Limits, Definitions, or Holds I may have on you: I release you, I release you, I release you.
Now please release me.
With this chart reading I had done it was clear with both my Mayan and Western Chart that I am on my soul’s path. The resistance I’ve shown this year was out of fear and lack of faith— but yes, I know my Truth, and I’d be greedy to ask for any more signs. This quote leaped at me after my reading: “The New Age will not and cannot be created without you. You must choose, and choose now, what you will be and what you will do.” Neale Donald Walsch.
If you need a little nudge, lemme help you: you’re not supposed to be doing the thing that makes you feel half-awake, or only sortove good, and youre certainly not supposed to be doing the thing that makes you feel dead, asleep, or turn to substance or numbing because you hate it so much. And it’s not definitely dream where you finally get everyone’s love, acceptance, forgiveness and ultimate and forever approval- that will never happen nor are the expectations/approval of others or others wants for you anything to ever chase. No, it’s the harder path, the solo path, the path of your Highest Fate and Destiny. It’s that REALLY BIG DREAM, the one that seems SO FUCKING BIG, MAYBE TOO BIG- that’s the one the Universe will not relent on you until you chase it down, baby. That’s the one that as much as you sabatoage, is never going away, so you might as well turn and start becoming it now.
I’m surrounding myself with less and less people with whom I need to put on any hats or airs that I’m anyone but me, now, but sometimes I still find myself “entertaining” others, or dimming my light for them, or trying on that old hat of worthless small talk or saying what I think they want me to say— but it’s getting more impossible. It’s like my heart’s my battery, and when I am speakng truth I can just speak, the car just runs— and it’s beautiful and illuminating and healing and feels good, but when my mouth is not connected to my heart my battery starts to die, sputter, I trail off and lose my energy, and wastes of breath come out, old ideas, decayed sick thought, not worth me saying or anyone hearing.
I was listening to the radio recently when a Dave Matthews song came on, the island has this station that’s just my life’s soundtrack, the movie of my life would and is set to their mumford & sons, james taylor, dylan, springsteen, bonnie raitt… anyway it wasn’t cool to like him in my town because he lived there, and it was that thing where if you cared about a celebrity living in your town that made you lame. But I always liked him, a lot. I was never not going to become a music jounralist for the beginning part of my path— I loved going to see dave in this dark club across the railroad tracks, when he was just starting out and we were in highschool, slinking in with fake i.ds. I’ve always loved music and a dark room, you could hear the streaks of their fingers on the guitar, the hush of their breath in the mic, and when they start, and get wrapped up in that trance music takes you, surrendered to their muse (I read wayne dyer say :inspired means in-Spirit-ed), you go with them. I used to lie in my dark room with big headphones, hours and hours to live Pearl Jam bootlegs, just taking that ride with them, it was always transportive. I never once got to see them live, but I spent years on that floor with those headphones, imagining I was there. Any way that I could find out of my body, my life, - I’d been looking for a way out since I was a child. My imagination was my first way of transcendence, then my music, but then came alcohol, men, pills, any trap door away from my reality. But music and imagination, those can be beautiful and life-enchancing portals. Alcohol and pills, those were trap doors to death hell. Always back at the same damned place- the bottom.
ANYWAY. This song Dave song came on the radio, called “Mercy.” And Sherry and I are always saying if something - from a song to a sandwich— has a low vibe or high vibe. So often I cannot listen to anything on the radio— the songs about suicide, blame, hatred, being “bored”— I could go on and on, but they give low vibes… and then you hear someone with an awakened heart singing you know, like with Dave, you hear the Enlightenment. You feel his high virbration. He is using his massive pulpit to Spread Love.
So my sister was on island last week and she likes to make jokes at my expense, that’s fine— she was telling the group about my obsession with music (makes sense I almost married a musician, I think Music is Love and Magic and a Heavenly Gift) and she brought up Dave and I remembered seeing him on the downtown mall of our hometown and he signed this poster we pulled off corkboard. He met me for only one second, he was rushing away, but it said, “Dear Sarah, Don’t be worried.” He saw it already, all the sadness, I felt him see it. Anyway he was wonderful and he is wonderful. He would kiss me softly and only for a second on the lips days after my mother died, on a swing porch in the dark at a house party in the country. “I’m sorry,” he said, for my loss.
I wanted to leave you with this new thought exercise of mine— that my head has felt like a big beautiful mansion recently, and I am in the center room, the main room, next to a massive Fire and that is the fire of Love, and it is my Source and my LifeForce. And it fills the whole room and I sit in this glowing warm room with light. When my thoughts wander I liken that to “leaving the room” and I tend torward darker rooms away from the light— that’s when I get in trouble. I already know of their danger. The thoughts are rooms, like “They have so much money— I’ll never have any money” - Dont go in that room. Or “why didnt he want to date me anymore? I’ll never make it work with anyone.” Dont go in that room. I HAVE BEEN IN THESE ROOMS AND THERE IS ONLY DARKNESS. I go back to the Light Room. If I wander again to the rooms of old painful memories, or judgement, or blame, or fear, I say, “Dont go in that room,” you know that room, it’s way too dark and nothing good can come. I pull back into the Light Room, away from the story, back to the only truth. That I am Love.
Don’t Be Worried,