DOITGIRL
Chronicling One Girl's Awakening: Awakening the Divine Feminine
FIND US ON FACEBOOK
Search
Site authors
Find me on...
Today’s DIG Diary: Stay Close to Love
I had an hour to kill in between feeding an old landlord’s horses today, I said yes, really, just to press my face against a horse again and lean on that soft warm endless wisdom. Gracie and I ended up at a path called “THE FIRE TRAIL.” Every so often the woods are burned down for re-growth, and what’s reborn after the fire is much more healthy, vibrant and diverse. That’s what the first half of this year was, the Burning Times. There was a brushfire through our lives, wiping away for the enw. An astrologer asked if we even recognized ourselves from the beginning of the year. Me? NO. Early January? Still lying to myself about my wine drinking. Still eating til it hurt EVERY NIGHT. Hadn’t been to Hawaii- was going at the end of the month. That’s where and when Pele WOKE ME UP once more. In January I met the Goddess of the Fire, how fitting. She cannot stand a sleeping woman, she will rage you shake you awake. I got caught in the riptide at Black Death beach and I felt her pull around my ankles and the ancient voice asking “Do You Really Want to Be Here?” And I answered Yes the best I could, but it was only VERY recently that I’ve felt my soul descend further into my body, grounding, choosing this life. Im getting the grounding thing, Im really starting to get it. I had to understand it for myself, even though every healer and teacher has been begging me to do it since my first Kundalini awakening. And it feels really good, to be in your body, totally down here. Just the other day my friend was laughing about how we both “just dip” in the waves when we swim, we don’t commit to the water and we don’t let go. But the last few times I swam I’ve lingered, I’ve STAYED. Suddenly I’ll realize my fingertips are pruny and that I’ve been in for a while. I have no where else to go, no where else to be. With every new day I am choosing this life I live, taking a step deeper into it. I am rooting deeper into the Island, moving up into her woods for the winter, commiting to friendships. I’m finally making sustainable emotional and physical choices. There are still plenty of times I feel like I have one foot back in heaven, ready to go home, but more and more I feel the cocoon has kicked me out. “Your wings are dry. You’re ready to fly.” And all that expansion, contraction, the pulse of the Universe stuff, well I don’t really want to say No anymore. I want to expand. The secret of life is to open. I want to say Yes. The cocoon has served me well but I’ve grown tired of it. While Im down here, I want to say yes. While Im here, I want to really be here. I know always that not of this world yet in it, but I want to be IN IT. It was pouring rain outside when I came out of the grocery store this afternoon. People were skittering across the parking lot as fast as they could, a woman near me was hemming and hawing and “waiting it out.” I just laughed and sort of hooted up at the sky and slowly made my way back to the car, relishing in the water. I like people who like to get wet, I thought. I like the wind and I like the rain and I like the mud. While Im down here, I wanna get soaked. I wanna get dirty. I dont wanna stay clean. I wanna really be here and when I go I want to have DONE IT. I looked at the woman waiting for the rain to stop and I knew I was her, too scared to leave the porch, for way too long.
I have a new crush. That helps things, keeps your steps hopeful. “It’s good to have someone who makes you want to brush your hair and teeth,” my girlfriend and I laughed. It’s thrilling that he coudl be around any corner. To add to the mystery, I’ve never talked to him. I just see him places, I’ve felt his eyes on the back of my neck. He’s broody, like Heathcliff. I want to be his Catherine. But as this is the week of the Teachers, I was biking home from the bead shop today when lo and behold an ex, a very very challenign one - or someone who looked EXACTLY like him— stopped to let me cross the street. I have felt so full of the light this week, so sure the energy really is changing, so celebratory, my heart so light and full that it was all I could do to smile at him. A big deep real love smile. I dont know how he reacted, I just kept biking along. And it struck me, “what else would I ever have done but smile and show him love?” What else is there? All the times I’ve planned on how I would react to ANYONE who hurt me or not, what else would there ever be to do, but to show someone, anyone, everyone, love? If your intention is always love, how can you ever ever ever go wrong? You dont have to think about it anymore, what you’ll say, what you’ll do.. you’ll just be love. Saul David Raye reminded us of the Thoreau quote, “Dwell as near as possible to the channel in which your life flows.” I take this to mean stay as close as possible to Love, what you love, who you love, and you will always be near or on your path. Write down what you love, this is who you are. When the distractions , the noise, the drama and suffering arise, pull out your Love Letter to Life and Self, and this is your map home. Love is home. We’re all just trying to get back home.
Today’s DIG Diary: Doing as Nature Does
DOITGIRL DIARY: “He Doesn’t Believe in Magic”
First Aid Kit, Cross Oceans (Way Out West, Annedalskyrkan, 2009)
And I felt so good I shot up went for a run in the rain, when water was coming in heavy sheets straight from the heavens, it cleanses you in a way none can. There’s magic transformation in rain, if you would only let yourself get wet more often. Through the woods we rushed, our bounds faster and faster, on a new path we’d never taken, my loyal wolf dog beside me, we came to a clearing of four roads crossing and I knelt down, invoked the four directions, the four elements, and dropped to the ground, my hands in mother earth, I asked for what I need, what is in me already, to be surfaced, and then we ran home to the car, blasting mumford & sons and seeing things in a completely new way. If that’s not magic, what is. To see everything anew and different. To see it’s not prison, it’s paradise. To look in the sky and not just see a plane over head, but someone’s dream overhead, a man once dreamed he could fly, and everyone told him he was crazy, but he did it anyway. I don’t care if its the Wright Brothers, or the Pilot flying it that dreamt of being a pilot when he was little, or a passenger that’s finally in the air after always afraid of it. That everything around us is someone’s dream realized. Magic is overcoming your fears and doing what you’ve been told is “impossible.” That’s magic, and you all have it.
And if there is no magic what rises in me at just the right time and directs me through ritual that I had never “thought” about before, what comes through with ancient powerful direction, what is that.
I was in the outdoor shower this morning and I realized how many lawyers I attract into my life. So many people who work for justice they write me these beautiful letters about what my writing does for them… they all say the same sort of thing, “it’s you, your kind, we fight for. we fight for innocence, believers, dreamers, and beauty.”
I say whatever you believe is true. I believe in the goddess in me, the goodness in me, the angel in me, the underdog who always overcomes, the phoenix who always rises. Why would I not believe in magic if seeing life magically is the one thing that has made me want to live. Three years ago Dad and I were walking in Virginia and I was still addicted to pills and wine and everything just felt like a black blanket of death, the walk took way more energy than I had at the time, I was army crawlign through life and I said “why do people even want to be here, I don’t understand why they want to live,” and I was crying again, and he was speechless, he just shook his head, he had a daughter who hated the life he had given her, and we turned around in silence and went home and I went down into that dark basement and drank a non alcholic beer when I was dying for a real one and I jsut waited until it was time to sleep again. And then how come six months later, after my awakening, everything I saw was so beautiful it made me cry, heaving cries of relief and beauty, and it’s been that way ever since. Isn’t that magic?
He said at dinner the other night- he wasn’t so into the underdog idea. You know I love an underdog, a come back story, a pheonix. He wanted to be done with the need to “come back.” I just don’t see a way out of this cycle, life will always move in seasons. They don’t need to be terribly dramatic, but there will be winters, springs, summers and falls. We are in the never ending cycle. There’s beauty and trust in that. If it’s dark now, it will be light soon. If we’re at the top now, there will be a descent. But after that, a rise. This is life. I had said to him, “yes I prayed today to not have to rise out of another fire,” and I meant that as far as how bad things really got in my old life, but I dont see a way out of the cycles really, we are dying and re-born all the time as our dreams change as our life changes, and passes, and it is passing as fast as those clouds over my head, just sailing along. Last night I watched Thor, and he said to the GateKeeper, “I did not plan to die today,” and the Gatekeeper says, “No man does.” Get up and plan to Live, because the day you die, you never know when that’s coming. Get up and say “I will LIVE today.” In my life, I will always have re-births, this is just my path. This morning, soaked through in the rain, blasting through the puddles with Gracie at my side, I remembered how much extreme running I was doing as my kundalini was waking up, it was mirroring the chances I wanted to take in my life, the old safe and numbing patterns I wanted to break out of. I finally wanted to FEEL again. I had stopped wanting to feel anything after too many painful expereiences took their toll, and then I went into a sleeping nightmare of life. But then that miraculous spring, last miraculous spring, I woke up and I Wanted to live again. Breaking out our patterns is so liberating, I practice this in the woods every morning that split into so many paths, I take a new trail with faith, I just go left when I usually go right. I did that last year in the spring, I took a right instead of a left or a left instead of a right, and I ended up at a private beach, just me and a big daddy seal sunbathing, and I ran right into the ocean in my clothes and I got that gasp in my heart- what if I had kept going left, this whole time, my whole time, and never seen the ocean, never knew it was right here, all along. Take a new road, do something different, liberate your soul, practice your soul push ups and see you’re always supported. Sometimes in the woods I panic, I can’t remember how to get home. But then I just get still. I close my eyes, I ask for help, “show me the way,” I ask. Then Grace puts her nose to the ground and her wild bushy tail shoots straight up in the air. “This way,” she seems to say. And then Grace always leads me home. Take a left today, where you always go right.
Today’s DIG Diary: Everything We Dream of is Right In Front of Us
If you swim in salt water, it cleanses your soul and heals you.
If you make a wish over fire’s flame, it’s on its way.
Blessed Be. ♥ DOITGIRL ♥
Today’s DIG Diary: Heaven Trusts Me with These Gifts Now
Today’s DIG Diary: And She is Also with You
“You’ll take him home?” I asked through the drizzle. He nodded and stepped out of the car. Behind me, I could feel Gracie breathe a sigh of relief. He was trying to conceal a lump of tobacco in his cheek, but he looked young, 22. He sauntered into the road- stopping traffic with a hand- just like a wizard. Sunglasses on, he just raised his hand, cooly, and all the cars hit a forcefield he’d created on each side. He motioned me and the beagle. We trotted toward him, I was stooped over gripping his collar and my chest was spilling out of my top, so I had the other hand clutched to my chest, it was awkard. “That was cool,” I laughed, looking up at him from my stooping walk, but he was all business when he opened the backseat of the cop car for the beagle, so offical. “Uh oh,” I laughed, helping his pudgy rear end into the backseat, “you’ve been naughty.”
FInally he smiled, remembering. “Good job,” he said. “It’s nice to see you again.”
“You too,” I said.
Then he kept the traffic stopped until I drove away, and as I did, people in line were smiling, waving at me for escorting the dog home. Some moments feel like high fives with God. Those are the moments of our lightwork.
You know how I was telling you about Santa Monica , how I always counted the days away, living for an imaginary future that never came? Well that’s the point, it never came. We don’t EVER know what will come. All we know is what is now. We do not know what will be THEN. All I know is now, all I have is now. Living in the past or future means you’re half awake. Now is all I will ever have. I used to live for a future that never came. And that was my lesson. It never came. It’s the present, it’s the only thing that’s real. This right now, where you are, who you are right now, this is your life, what’s happening right now. We must first accept our reality fully to change it. Once we accept ourselves totally, that’s when the change happens. It just happens- just like magic.
Someone told me they liked how I took my dog everywhere, it’s true, I hate being without her. She’s my familiar, she does my work for me. You know, Love. “Yes,” I said, “I always have Grace with me.” And so do you.
Today’s DIG Diary: Show Them What You’re Made Of
Sunday, August 19: Wear Lavender. Meditate, relax. Work hard tomorrow.
But no now I’m just counting the days until September, the fall, when things, in my mind, all fall together, the house, the car, the yoga, the reiki. I am trying to be present in the in betweens but I’m failing, I’m looking to brighter days (crisp cool fall) I’m not loving what I have now. Gratitude isn’t my attitude. I felt there were calmer waves for the first two weeks of August, now the teachers are back in my life, they come with a bang, a thud, I don’t really see them coming to be honest. They come in the form of rejection. I am being rejected a whole hell of a lot these days. I’m sort of laughing as I write about it, trust me I’m not writing from the floor. I know, I see, the doors that were shut were the wrong door. I feel the guiding process, the helping hand that shuts doors for me that I can’t shut myself. Something happened along the way with my Approval Addiction, with my over-the-top need to please others. I stopped walking away from relationships/partnerships I knew in my gut weren’t right, I just sabotaged them until the other person left/rejected me. And then I played Abandoned Victim. Even though it didn’t serve me, even though it wasn’t right or healthy or made me happy, even though deep down I knew it wasn’t right, I would still wait for the other person to leave or reject me (Im talking about love, friends, career choices, all of it). I just am still VERY MUCH working with my fear of rejection, of not being liked, of not belonging, of people disagreeing with me or not approving of me. There are still people I cower around.
I know that in the movies the girl gets dragged out of her house to go to the party and she REALLY didnt want to go, she was trying to tell her friend no— but when she got there it ended up being a FANTASTIC night and she danced the whole time and meets a beautiful man. See, no, not for me. When I go somewhere I don’t want to be, everyone knows. I can’t glow. If my inner self resists, says “no,” doing something, I don’t tend to switch like a lightbulb once I’m there. I can’t remember a single time in my life where I was shocked by how much fun I had at the thing I knew I didn’t want to do. But so then I say yes anyway, but I grow resentful, and then my resentment leads to their rejection of me. Every time. With freelance pieces, men, favors others ask of me, I could go on. I’m not a music journalist anymore. I can’t be a journalist the way I was at all. That once served me very well, it was my childhood dream and I realized it but I have to let it die, I have to fully let it go for good so I can fully be who I am now. I think we should respond to what excites us, not causes depression, boredom, dread. I’ve signed on to stuff this summer out of not wanting to be confrontational, not wanting to let others down, wanting to be liked, to please. And lemme tell you every deal I signed with half a heart went to shit. You have to want to say a 1,000 yes’s, I think. You really do. Your heart has to race. If I really want something I forget to breathe, my lips go dry, my heart races. Why would we say yes to anything less? And if it doesnt, another chance will come along that’s right, I promise. Dani Shapiro says “if it doesn’t give you that feeling in your stomach then it probably isn’t worth it anyway.” If you say yes to anything less your hands will be too busy with the wrong thing when the right thing does come along. Then the resentment builds on both sides. Say Yes to what excites you because Joy is expansion and expansion is growth. Growth is Life. Joy = Life. Say No to what depresses you, depression is not forward motion, it’s regression, contraction, decay. Always take the step towards evolution. Always take the steps toward Life and Joy. When you say Yes, it should be with the fullest heart, that one yes should contain a 1,000 yes’s. Otherwise don’t say maybe. Just say no.
There were a few other things I wanted to tell you. I was reading a Wayne Dyer book at the clinic when my toe was swollen to the size of a billiard ball, and I found something I loved. He called people who are connected to Source, who are self aligned with their highest self, he called them Sorceresses. And I think he made the point that’s all they ever were, is people deeply connected to the Divine. Crackling alive with love’s magic.
On our morning walk in the woods- we miss the beach but the forest sure embraces us— I thought about this. That there’s a way to use all my Authority Issues for good. I mean I have them BIG time. It was a huge part of my suffering in my old life, I couldn’t follow the orders of teachers or bosses. I always had to do it my way, be in my own world, I could never recognize another human as truly superior enough to give me orders. I was always the Norma Rae, whistle blowing, standing up for other co-workers, breaking the rules, coming in late, taking long lunches. Once I lied to my boss I was sick, and flew to New Orleans to interview Duran Duran. I almost got away with it until I answered his call in the airport bathroom and they called my flight on the speaker. “Where the hell are you?” he asked. I still can’t believe he didn’t fire me. ANYWAY. I thought, well why don’t I employ that rebellion with my Fear, when it’s ruling? Why don’t I say, “Oh, yeah, you think I can’t rise and walk through that? You think I can’t deal with my finances, or be totally honest, or ask them for what I really want, or tell him No…” WHATEVER it is. Challenge Authority, Challenge the authority of your fear. I know it’s a Starseed Trait, to not be able to follow the rules that well, so you’re primed for this. When you have Fear acting as Authority, go against it (which is always Love, there is only fear or love)- REBEL against its ruling. I know you have it in you. Show fear who is boss, teacher, who is in control.
The other night I was meditating I started to hear a chant. “I Love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.” And it was coming from the grass, from the sea, from Gaia, from the animals, the lambs horses dogs seals, from my ancestors, from my loved ones living and dead. A thousand voices, chanting “I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.” It got so loud and powerful my heart burst and I dropped the connection. But I heard it. And I heard it for you.
In the Old Paradigm, they said “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
In the New Paradigm, We say, “If you don’t have any love to give, give love to yourself.”
I’ve been re-obsessed with butterflies again, their cycle. Crawling, creeping— DARKNESS, TRANSFORMATION, REBIRTH — magnificent, soaring. I was leaning up against my friend’s car this morning after yoga, petting her dog Marley. Un-coincidentally, she had also had an awakening last spring, and has been feeling back in the mud this summer as well. “But,” she said, “let’s stay positive. Because I really really feel things are about to get better.” Then she said, “look,” and she nodded at two orange butterflies dancing around each other above the grass, just flying around in the light. Sometimes all it takes is one kind soul telling you it’s about to get better.
There’s a new whisper from the wind, I hear it in the woods. It’s saying. “Show them what you can do. Show them what you’re made of.”
Today’s DIG Diary: You Don’t Have to Go Down with the Ship
Bleed to Love Her - Fleetwood Mac
Saturday, August 11: Wear White. People are weird today. Watch your back.
Sunday, August 12: Wear Gold. A day of goodness. Breathe a sigh of relief.
“If you let it go, it will let you go.” [Amrit Desai]
I can feel now the instant fear casts its dark shadow over my heart and I say, “Oh, it’s a fear test.” So I walk through it. When I am signaled that there is a test, I rise and walk through it. I turn toward the loving, brave decision and I walk that way. “Don’t move the way fear makes you move, move the way love makes you move.” Osho.
There is a new sense we have to keep everything clean, cleaner than ever. Our houses, our bodies, our thoughts, all our energy. Cleanse and let go as much as possible to work from a clean, safe and healthy foundation. Old dark energy can’t accrue this way, constantly clear it, like being in a constant state of Letting Go. This is a struggle for me as a naturally disorganized being, but I’m told it’s highly important right now.
This morning in the woods I felt all the natural energy from the grass and plants and trees today, the energy in the wind and the light that fell through the trees. This is Prana, natural life force, that is in everything. To go deep into nature and to be totally surrounded by it is a rush. For the time when I don’t have access to my beach I’m heading into the woods, and I always walk out renewed. Why do people feel so good after time in nature, say after a day at the beach, why is the end of a day at the beach a better feeling than anything money can buy? Because youve received all the negative ions from the salt water, youve been healed and cleaned. Because youve soaked up all the Vitamin D and your spirit has been re-charged and revived. Because you’ve rolled around on the earth all day, moved your body in its natural elements, laid among its tiny grounding rocks of sand and swam in its natural healing waters, and when we return to our natural state we are Scrubbed Clean, Re-Awakened and Re-invigorated. The sun’s rays can clean off the negative energy, so does the salt and sand. Any re-turn to the earth is a good return. Any release is good release. Self- forgiveness and Mother Earth, the two great transformers. If you can’t roll around in mother nature today drop into child’s pose. Go deep back into the womb. Forgive yourself, over, and over, and over again. Incubate like this with just your own soul, nothing else, in the dark. Then rise and bloom into the light, see how much further you can glow and grow after taking this crucial clearing and healing time for yourself.
THIS QUOTE: “As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.”
- Henry David Thoreau
ties to THIS QUOTE: “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing - that’s why we recommend it daily.” - Zig Ziglar
What are you working to heal now? Open your closet, what’s your biggest scariest boogey man? How are you healing it? Mine is my fear that my mother never loved me, therefore I am not worthy of love. That she saw something unlovable deep within my soul that she was afraid of, and she didn’t accept me or claim me. So this is what I am healing, this is the fear-based lie I am working to shed light on. So this is what I have to tell myself EVERYDAY as a Creature of Habit who has seen the benefits of Practice. So everyday I remind myself what I know in my heart to be true, my mother TRULY DID LOVE ME TO THE BEST OF HER ABILITY and is with me, always, still nurturing me, still supporting me, we are one. All Loved, Forgiven, Whole, Healed and Forever. THIS is what my heart knows.Everyday we work to make this mental path, just like Thoreau said. This is the Love Path we are Carving. Like trees, we must look at the ROOT of the issue, always, to deeply heal and not just place a temporary bandaid that can be blown away by the slightest gust of wind. No, we have to heal from deep within. We go way back to the root issue, always.
Healing takes practice. Healing is an endless journey, we are always learning new ways to love and new ways to heal. Step by step, it’s the journey. Go gentle with yourself.
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice —
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do —
determined to save
the only life you could save.
Today’s DIG Diary: Who’s Left By Your Side?
This is why I have always loved makeover movies so much: you see the heroine walk in one door as her old self and come out another one as her new self. This is why I loved the woman escaping to nature movies so much, Baby Boom, Practical Magic, women throwing themselves into the wild to see what they’re made of. Somewhere I knew this was possible, I think that’s why I was so drawn to transformation movies, I knew mine was coming, some day. I’m always writing these sorts of movies in my head, and actually living them on the physical plane- well, since my last shipwreck when I had to choose a new life for myself. I chose the woman goes to the country and finds herself life. I chose the makeover movie.
Last night I talked on a radio show panel for this lovely woman named Heidi who runs a show called the Unsung Goddess. I was tired and sleepy, up past my bedtime and not sure if I had anything interesting to say. I’m still amazed people want to hear my story. But then I read other women who are doing this, who are, as I said to one, opening their dark closets and letting their skeletons dance out into the light, and one by one ours each follow, our skeletons can follow each other out of the closet like they’re in a merengue line. And I see why it’s so fascinating to go through everyone else’s junk too. Because it’s like: HEY, HERE IS THIS THING THAT ALMOST KILLED ME BUT IT DIDNT. It’s like hanging the head of the lion that almost killed you on the wall of your lodge— if I had any understanding or empathy for hunting. But it’s conquering your demons, hanging them up in your living room and inviting everyone to see. Picnicing in the places of your defeat with the demons themselves, thanking the lesson and calling it a truce. Cheersing to love. It’s erasing fear. Think about it, a life without fear is a life of endless possibilty, joy, and love. Fear actually isnt real, it’s a disease. And this is how we kill the beast, by shedding light on it — sharing it with others. Kind of like a clothing swap- oh I have that shirt too— or “I have that trauma too.” It’s so healing to see another who has survived what you have. So I sleepily stumbled a little bit through my answers last night, but I was truly honored to be part of it. The other women were so clear and illuminating and strong. “You know how we say ‘it’s all good?’” Christine asked. “Well what if it really was- ALL GOOD? Because it is!” she said, with total joy streaking through her voice. We get to do it again next week- there’s nothing I love more than a second chance.
The days have been smooth like honey since the Full Moon. I talk so much on the DOITGIRL Facebook I forget to tell you things in letters-all this insight rushes to the surface so I just write it out as fast as I can, and the healer was right, I am a vessel for ritual, ritual is what comes to me most often. But I wanted to tell you now is a really prime time for energy baths, anyway to clear out the old energy and thank it for each experience and each lesson, to ask for clarity healing and protection in this next cycle. This next smoother cycle. Sage, incense, candles. You can jump in the ocean, take a salt bath, or stand in front of a bowl of water and peel the old energy off your limbs, your self, move it toward the water and flush the water down the drain. Or dance it off or clean it off in the shower- Just clear it on out. A dear woman wrote me about her mental health exercises, clearing out all the old debris, and I know her, she lives in this beautiful house and once again I was struck by the ideas of our minds as houses, it’s time to house clean. “You’re cleaning house,” I said. This is your temple. You control what is in absolutely every room of the temple. Dust it on out. “Rexamine all you have been told. Dismiss what insults your soul,” says Whitman. It’s time to dismiss whatevr doesn’t belong to the New You. It’s time to stay in the warm room of love and not wander back into those dark ones, the ones you used to drown in, the ones in which you can only end up sobbing on the floor, calling him again, offering your neck on the chopping block again, like a lamb to slaughter. It’s not sacrifice yourself for the good of others, it’s SAVE yourself for the good of others.
I have been noticing much more manifestation energy in the air. I am seeing things right before my eyes that I dreamed of months ago. I truly feel that with July we ended a big Kali cycle, and now that our brushfires are over we are re-building our lives as our new selves, and many pieces of the puzzle are falling into place. It’s when the smoke clears after the war on the battlefield. Who’s left by your side? What’s left? As the Hopi’s would ask, “Who is in the water with you?”
I remember when I started hearing people speaking aloud their New Thoughts. I drove to the dentist in February on a snowy day in Virginia and my dentist had his tools in my mouth and he started to talk about pain, just the physical kind, and he was talking about how afraid his patients were of it, and then he stopped, “you know, people are so afraid of pain, any kind,” he said. Then he took the tool out of my mouth and he said, “They’re so afraid of feeling… anything.” I watched him process this and I just nodded before he continued. I think a lot of people thought they were going crazy as we started to ascend. Somehow there’s a normalcy about it- whatever that is to others- “something more, BIGGER,” I’ll say, now. People notice a true cycle of destruction for creation taking place. We are a highly adapatable species, and I do believe we can and will adapt to a civilazation based on love, not fear. The other thing that Christine said last night that struck me was “fear is the belief that we are ever separate from God.” I remember reading that at Kripalu last year, this time exactly last year, sitting by the window in the cafe over looking the courtyard. It was around the time someone told me God was the ocean and we were all drops in the water, I mean I really was starting to feel A PART OF IT ALL, and it was thrilling. But I’d fled to Kripalu because it was the only place that made sense for me to go, my awakening was so total and abrupt, the only person I could really talk to about it was my aunt Amy, otherwise I was sure I’d get committed somewhere. Meanwhile, if anything, I should have been committed the year before, when I was downing a bottle of wine every night on a handful of xanax. I remember I was all packed up for Kripalu and I was going and I didnt know how long I would be gone for. So we were standing in the driveway and she looked at me like she saw, not a ghost, but an angel. “You look like a completely different person,” said a woman who had gazed upon my face her whole life. “I know,” I said, my voice shaking, “it’s scary.” Because I really really did. My hair- which had started to fall out after Tim left, had fluffed out to a totally new texture soft and cloudlike, and it grew longer rapidly, and my skin had began to glow, my body became sinewy and strong. All I can say is I didn’t recognize myself, like an ethereal spirit had possessed me. You know how they say “He sold his soul to the Devil,” well I felt I’d sold mine to the angels. “You’re going to be ok,” Amy said as we lingered in the driveway. And then I started to cry - the way I did when I was first waking up, huge, full body, dam breaking heaving sobs. I mean, I was feeling things for the first time in YEARS. I was sobbing out lifetimes of pain. “I’ll be ok,” I choked. And then I said, much to both of our amazement: “I’m doing God’s work.” We were both taken aback my the words that came out of my mouth and I certainly did not know they were coming. I didn’t form them in my brain first. And she just held me, because it was all so very new and strange, for a previously depressed, pill addicted rock journalist to be talking about being God’s hand and rushing off to a spiritual center- to live.
Five hours later I got to that red barn a mile down the road from Kripalu and Gracie and I just sat there on the steps and I closed my eyes. I was so afraid. I had really “dropped out” of society and had no plan, knew no one there, I just knew I had had what I thought was an Awakening, and like having a child, birthing and raising a new soul takes everything you have. You have to learn how to feed it, nourish it, grow it. And you can never go back to “how things were” before you discovered your soul. I was sitting on the porch, leaning against the glass doors, and just like the time I felt myself, trance-like, write “lightworker” on my arm, before knowing what that word was or what was happening, I opened my eyes on that porch to see I had written “God is Here” in the dust on the glass of the door of this rented cabin. A beautiful blond yogini in Omaha asked me how I believed this stuff, that I’m a goddess, that Spirit is real, that we’re all ancient. Those messages, I’d say. All of last year, really, is why.
I was walking Gracie in the woods this morning and I had one of my flashbacks, a flash of an image that I was in the forest surrounded by wild animals, kneeling by a wolf, and while I welcomed the flashback I also thought, “it doesnt really matter NOW that I was once a goddess in another life or several. All that matters is I am a goddess in this life, and what will I do with it?” Not to dismiss the realm or my discovery of it, but to make the most of it now, is what I want to know.
‘Teach ritual to heal the earth,’ said a healer I asked last week, that was the answer she got from Spirit, that to her was my calling. In that cabin in the Berkshires, I remember thinking this spiritual life was going to be so lonely, because at first it was so, so, so, lonely, but that atleast I wasn’t so alone in a room full of people anymore. But REALLY it isn’t lonely and it doesn’t have to be, I’ve attracted a lot of people like me, strong women with big things happening inside of them. We dont have to, nor are we meant to, do this alone. There is of course the cocoon time, before your grow your wings. And the cocoon is dark and isolated for a reason, you have to find your own light and your own self before you re-join the world.
Have you had your chart done? Do you know your ancient “story”? I’ve told you mine a million times now but I’m asking you because if you get your chart done, and that story, that samskara, or the scars that you’re repeating, calls out to you. If it does, that’s blessed information. It’s good to know what you’re healing. It’s good to know the dragon you’re slaying or the curse you’re reversing on your great heroic journey. If I was writing a fable for all of us I would say we all live in a land that Once Upon a Time, during the Fall of the Goddess, was cursed with a dark spell. It was then that we fell under the illusion we were all separate from ourselves and nature, we would fall under the illusion that love was outside of ourselves and something we had to seek and earn. There is only one way to reverse the curse, and that is for each one of ourselves to discover and love ourselves. When we love ourselves, we love our neighbor. When we heal ourselves, we heal our neighbor. Rise up against the darkness that fell over the land. Reverse the curse and let love rule. “I heal myself to heal the world.”
In’ Lakesh (I Am Another You) <3
DOITGIRL DIARY: You are a Lover
Love on, Warrior.
Many Blessings. )O(
- Bashar
“Not to decide is to decide. Letting something go until it “decides itself” is Life by Default. You don’t want to live that way. So choose. Choose right now.” Neale Donald Walsch
Today’s DIG Diary: I Release You, Please Release Me
Dave Matthews Band - Mercy
DOITGIRL.
On my mat, first time in a month really, with my bruised but not broken toe, I couldn’t use my full left foot on many of the poses, I struggled and shook on my left side while I sailed through poses easily on my right. “My right side doesn’t need to get any stronger,” I thought, my right side is already physically stronger, I’m right handed, and just two days ago an astrologer did my chart and told me I came into this world with almost all my planets on the right hemisphere of my chart and she said it was rare, but we both laughed, because DING… It made so much sense that I woulld have emerged so shifted to the right, so completely right-sided. I’ve been called right brained all my life— Just a quick pull from the web (thank goddess for web today, today I’m out in the garden of the library) shows the simple differences between “right brained” and “left brained” people:
“The Right Brain: The right side of the brain is best at expressive and creative tasks. Some of the abilities that are popularly associated with the right side of the brain include
Expressing emotions, Music, Reading emotions, Color, Images, Intuition, Creativity.
check check check check check check
The Left Brain: The left-side of the brain is considered to be adept at tasks that involve logic, language and analytical thinking. The left-brain is often described as being better at: Language, Logic, Critical thinking, Numbers, Reasoning.”
Critical Thinking? No. Logic? No. Numbers? No. Reasoning? No.
Anway. I thought about how injuries happen when we’re flying through the Miracle too fast. When we get so busy or caught up and so disconnected that we are not integrating or remotely in the experience. So then you get sidelined, you’re benched, you’re off the mat. The universe gives you a time-out, like when my sister and I were 12 and we got pulled over by the ski staff for racing down the mountain in so crazily and fast we were likely to hurt ourself our others. “YOU’RE OUT OF CONTROL, OFF THE SLOPES” came the voice from the Bullhorn. And despite our embarrassment we were so grateful because we REALLY DIDNT KNOW what we were doing but had too much pride to say so- but we were scared to death. And on the bench it’s all you can do to become a spectator to the Amazingness again, to LOOK at the Miracle is all you can do, and see how you would do it differently if you could, or how you would re-enter from a different door, and remember wistfully the simplest of health benefits or physical abilities you once took so carelessly for granted. On the bench you RE-see. You re-see that it’s amazing we are here and can do anything at all- even more amazing, we can do anything— you-re-see all the possibility there is out there, everything to explore, so many chances to change, transform, or turn it all around. There are lots of other “benchings,” separations, like when a break up occurs, the relationship is put on hold or pause so that you can see it for what it is again, the whole “dont know what you got til its gone” phenomenon, and it is like a phenomenon, like the curtain being pulled up or the third eye being opened. Sometimes you see what you were taking for granted- like a friend of mine just experienced— or sometimes in that pause you see how much you had conceded— like another friend of mine just realized. Either way, being benched from your life offers all kinds of beneficial vantage points. You know when you’re in the mud but you’re just slamming on the acceletor, getting deeper in. No. “Back up and reload,” Sherry says. Back up, look at the big picture, come back to it all in a different way with a different view. The New Multitudes sing, “Change your pen, change your ink, change the way you talk and think.” This is what pause allows us.
****
And that when I was in PITTA/Fire mode all July, I really let everyone else GET to me. When I am enlightened, I really don’t - atleast not in that insane way, where if a stranger doesn’t wave back, you think, “well, fuck you.” that’s INSANE. All that matters is you waved, you smiled, you vibrated love, you sent kindess and love. YOU WAVED THATS ALL THAT MATTERS. It’s never between anyone else really. It’s Always Between You and God, you and Spirit, You and the Goddess. You have to be the change. You are the change. You choose your highest self and you become her and you are LOVE. And dont we know it— the people who don’t smile and wave back at people are the people who need love the most. So KEEP GIVING. KEEP GLOWING. GLOW INSPITE AND INSTEAD AND BECAUSE. Your lovelight will only grow bigger when it is given to the poeple who need it the most. We can all hug and be shri and love in yoga class when everyone’s love light is turned on but can we do it off the mat? Take the love off the mats, take if out of your house, and into the world. This is the whole point. The New Age is now, and as Neale Donald Walsch says, it’s time to choose. And still- on the topic of others— So they still gossip about you, or they didnt forgive you, or they aren’t “nice” to you? It still doenst matter. You still forgive You still dont gossip. You still send love. It simply doesnt matter what anywone else does or doesnt do, you are love. No exceptions.
We are never going to raise this planet’s vibration if we’re doing tit-for-tate, eye for an eye. An eye for an eye society got us into this mess. It’s that crabs-in-a-bucket, one person makes it out to the top into the light and the others on the bottom in the dark want to pull him down thing. No… were never going to get anywhere that way. Stay up and shine. Stay a light house, shine from shore, dont get in the black water.
**
Since the day after the full moon, I’ve had 3 significant moments with 3 highly symbolic animals- and three is a big number for me of late- how many times I kiss gracies snooter, the 3 faces of the goddess, and three phases- BIRTH DEATH LIFE. I’m 33, and I feel the Christ heart, the God thought, and I have born and died and been reborn so many times already this year, Im feeling that. That lovely Mayan Astrologer said I am ending my last cylce of 13 along with the end of the Mayan Calendar in December, and beginning my next powerful cycle - coming into my own- in the next year. So anyway, the other night biked with through town to meet a friend and I was recognizing the internal shift I had experienced after the moon, coming home once more and feeling re-united when I felt that bug on skin feeling and I jumped and watched a not-so-small spider ran down my arm.
The meaning of Spider in India is associated with Maya. The term Maya comes from the Sanskrit root “Ma” which means no form or limit. The term Maya describes the illusory nature of appearances. The Spider’s association with Maya brings about the understanding that not all things are as they appear to be.
The Spider symbol meaning in Egypt, is akin to Neith, a complex deity usually depicted with arrows as she is associated with hunting. Along with hunting, she is also associated with the creation, specifically the process of recreation in the dawning and dusking of each day.
The next morning, a small brown snake slithered alongside my path and stopped and hissed at me. I stopped to appreciate her beauty, then got the hell out of her way.
SNAKE.
The ancient Celts were extremely nature-wise too, and approached snake symbolism from the behavior and life cycle of this magnificent creature. From the Celtic perspective, the snake was a symbol of secret knowledge, cunning and transformation. In the keen Celtic mind, snake symbolic meaning of transformation came from the shedding of its skin. Physical evidence of leaving its form behind (casting off the old self), and emerging a sleeker, newer version made the snake a powerful symbol of rebirth and renewal.
ALSO: A natural ability to balance energies (you’re likely a gifted healer). Diplomatic and eloquent in areas of speech and writing. Dynamically intuitive (often knowing other’s thoughts and emotional states without trying). Impulsive, but not without careful consideration. This may sound paradoxical, but those with the snake totem know what I mean here.
This morning driving home from yoga, a peacock walked the bush alongside the road, it seemed like it veered out just so I could see it.
PEACOCK.
A symbol for Lakshmi, Brahma, Skanda and Kwan Yin, (Kwan Yin has visited me, or I her, I should say, in Hawaii.) She is also a symbol for royalty and awakening. The peacock is a possessor of some of the most admired human characteristics, and is a symbol of integrity and the beauty we can achieve when we endeavor to show our true colors.”
Brahma really caught my eye though, as he’s the God of Creation and his wife is Saraswati (music, arts). He arrived on a lotus flower, and he created the world.
DOESNT THAT STRIKE YOUR HEART? ARENT YOU ARRIVING LIKE A LOTUS FLOWER FROM THE MUD, AND CREATING YOUR OWN WORLD?
***
Staying here through the hard parts was/is following through. And Ive never been good at the follow through. And good people, what do I always say of good people? I say “she really follows through.” I wouldn’t mind hearing that about myself one of these days, I really wouldn’t. The first time I ever started to write a book it was in the kitchen at Watch Hill ten years ago and someone asked me what I was doing. When I told them, I heard, “She won’t finish it though,” it was my sister in the corner. “Sarah never finishes anything.” And she was right, I still haven’t finished a book or a screenplay, and I am not one who follows through.
**
I was walking back from the beach with my friend and her children yesterday, this sweet and spiritual little family of women that’s adopted me somewhat, and we were talking about girl’s names and I said, “I was almost named Victoria,” and the older girl, with her long brown legs and big brown eyes said, “well, you ARE victorious.” When those girls say things like that I wish I could pick them up and swing them around in the air and then toss them up towards heaven, where they most certainly came from. I love those little girls.
****
I heard my True Love’s voice in the wind on my bike by the graveyard the other day. He said,
“Do you want to find me sooner rather than later?”
yes.
“Then love yourself as much as possible. Hurl yourself without abandon into what you love and only what you love. You know what it is, Do it. Let that light in your heart swallow you whole until you become it completley and it you, be walking love for your life and life itself and then I will find you.”
****
I don’t see how I used to think running away from a place would work, it seems to make sense to me that you would always just be running from yourself because you are running from the choices you made and your choices are you. And running is giving up. Running is abandoning self. I don’t see how I ever thought that was a real solution. There is only, as Sherry says, “you and you.” That’s all that’s out there, you and you. Where are you running?
***
I saw a witchy goddess friend at a wedding in Nebraska and her sweet husband asked me how I liked living on an Island and I said it holds me accountable and makes me responsible for my choices. There are no bridges on which to run away and good luck if you try to burn any on island. Its deeply healing to see and face someone who hurt you or whom you hurt. We heal, we remain. We forgive, we go on.
*****
On one of my first dates with that guy I dated this spring I was at an elecrifyingly - possibly annoyingly— awake stage from having just recently returned to the healing ground of this island and being in yoga teacher training— days full of spiritual conversation and reading and long hours of asana— and I said to him, pompously and errantly I see now, “We’re both so awake.” And he laughed at me like I was a child— he told me last month I was “a baby about all of this” spirituality stuff and I am— I mean I really only woke up last spring— that’s why it’s insane of me to get so frustrated when I fall off my path or back into the mud— I mean, I am a Child of this Universe and I just woke up last spring. I am A baby, a toddler, just learning after 30 years of programmed suffering— Kianna calls this post-awakening time Galactic Kindergarten. We’re LEARNING. I’m just learning. There is no such thing as Spiritual Perfection. And there is no where to go, or AP class to be accepted to or graduate to Spirtual Harvard— there is only everything in the BE-ing in the Now. Anyway, he laughed at me and said, “we’re a little bit awake but many masters would tell us both we have a very long way to go.” I see that, but I also see how, like everything in life, like energy and the water- which is everything in life— it comes and goes.
But he is leading me to something else I wanted to say, which I can sort of bounce off this Eckhart Tolle quote that I love so much: “Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You won’t die. You will come to life. And don’t be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it’s their problem…You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.”
So the new meat for me of that is in “when they define you, they are limiting themselves.” So yes, dont just NOT DEFINE yourself, but you cannot define others either. You have to allow others the same mutable endless infinite existence as you yourself have/ are. Constant freedom to change and grow. Once you say I am that, you are no longer that. You are not one thing, you are everything. We are Presence, I Am Consciousness, multitudes as Whitman says, undefinable and always changing, eterntal and infinite. So, in my head I always wanted this man to be one way or one thing, because yes it’s easier that way, less confusing. Well if it’s too confusing stop trying to label or understand. Just let it be. I told myself who he was and I was rigid about that. And so we both lost out. You are never definable. And that’s all I wanted to say about that really, that this is so dangerous. And that besides that man, to all the people in my life, I release you to be in constant flux. Allow them the room for constant change and evolution. Because it’s happenign to all of us, constantly. None of us are who were yesterday, or this morning. Allow them so much space and freedom to change and grow. Never ask for yourself what you cannot give to others. Show up as You in this new Moment, and allow them to show up in this new moment too— not as who they were last week, year, or yesterday, or as that one thing they said or did. They are infinite, so Are You.
From Any Expectations, Limits, Definitions, or Holds I may have on you: I release you, I release you, I release you.
Now please release me.
****
With this chart reading I had done it was clear with both my Mayan and Western Chart that I am on my soul’s path. The resistance I’ve shown this year was out of fear and lack of faith— but yes, I know my Truth, and I’d be greedy to ask for any more signs. This quote leaped at me after my reading: “The New Age will not and cannot be created without you. You must choose, and choose now, what you will be and what you will do.” Neale Donald Walsch.
If you need a little nudge, lemme help you: you’re not supposed to be doing the thing that makes you feel half-awake, or only sortove good, and youre certainly not supposed to be doing the thing that makes you feel dead, asleep, or turn to substance or numbing because you hate it so much. And it’s not definitely dream where you finally get everyone’s love, acceptance, forgiveness and ultimate and forever approval- that will never happen nor are the expectations/approval of others or others wants for you anything to ever chase. No, it’s the harder path, the solo path, the path of your Highest Fate and Destiny. It’s that REALLY BIG DREAM, the one that seems SO FUCKING BIG, MAYBE TOO BIG- that’s the one the Universe will not relent on you until you chase it down, baby. That’s the one that as much as you sabatoage, is never going away, so you might as well turn and start becoming it now.
***
I’m surrounding myself with less and less people with whom I need to put on any hats or airs that I’m anyone but me, now, but sometimes I still find myself “entertaining” others, or dimming my light for them, or trying on that old hat of worthless small talk or saying what I think they want me to say— but it’s getting more impossible. It’s like my heart’s my battery, and when I am speakng truth I can just speak, the car just runs— and it’s beautiful and illuminating and healing and feels good, but when my mouth is not connected to my heart my battery starts to die, sputter, I trail off and lose my energy, and wastes of breath come out, old ideas, decayed sick thought, not worth me saying or anyone hearing.
***
I was listening to the radio recently when a Dave Matthews song came on, the island has this station that’s just my life’s soundtrack, the movie of my life would and is set to their mumford & sons, james taylor, dylan, springsteen, bonnie raitt… anyway it wasn’t cool to like him in my town because he lived there, and it was that thing where if you cared about a celebrity living in your town that made you lame. But I always liked him, a lot. I was never not going to become a music jounralist for the beginning part of my path— I loved going to see dave in this dark club across the railroad tracks, when he was just starting out and we were in highschool, slinking in with fake i.ds. I’ve always loved music and a dark room, you could hear the streaks of their fingers on the guitar, the hush of their breath in the mic, and when they start, and get wrapped up in that trance music takes you, surrendered to their muse (I read wayne dyer say :inspired means in-Spirit-ed), you go with them. I used to lie in my dark room with big headphones, hours and hours to live Pearl Jam bootlegs, just taking that ride with them, it was always transportive. I never once got to see them live, but I spent years on that floor with those headphones, imagining I was there. Any way that I could find out of my body, my life, - I’d been looking for a way out since I was a child. My imagination was my first way of transcendence, then my music, but then came alcohol, men, pills, any trap door away from my reality. But music and imagination, those can be beautiful and life-enchancing portals. Alcohol and pills, those were trap doors to death hell. Always back at the same damned place- the bottom.
ANYWAY. This song Dave song came on the radio, called “Mercy.” And Sherry and I are always saying if something - from a song to a sandwich— has a low vibe or high vibe. So often I cannot listen to anything on the radio— the songs about suicide, blame, hatred, being “bored”— I could go on and on, but they give low vibes… and then you hear someone with an awakened heart singing you know, like with Dave, you hear the Enlightenment. You feel his high virbration. He is using his massive pulpit to Spread Love.
So my sister was on island last week and she likes to make jokes at my expense, that’s fine— she was telling the group about my obsession with music (makes sense I almost married a musician, I think Music is Love and Magic and a Heavenly Gift) and she brought up Dave and I remembered seeing him on the downtown mall of our hometown and he signed this poster we pulled off corkboard. He met me for only one second, he was rushing away, but it said, “Dear Sarah, Don’t be worried.” He saw it already, all the sadness, I felt him see it. Anyway he was wonderful and he is wonderful. He would kiss me softly and only for a second on the lips days after my mother died, on a swing porch in the dark at a house party in the country. “I’m sorry,” he said, for my loss.
I wanted to leave you with this new thought exercise of mine— that my head has felt like a big beautiful mansion recently, and I am in the center room, the main room, next to a massive Fire and that is the fire of Love, and it is my Source and my LifeForce. And it fills the whole room and I sit in this glowing warm room with light. When my thoughts wander I liken that to “leaving the room” and I tend torward darker rooms away from the light— that’s when I get in trouble. I already know of their danger. The thoughts are rooms, like “They have so much money— I’ll never have any money” - Dont go in that room. Or “why didnt he want to date me anymore? I’ll never make it work with anyone.” Dont go in that room. I HAVE BEEN IN THESE ROOMS AND THERE IS ONLY DARKNESS. I go back to the Light Room. If I wander again to the rooms of old painful memories, or judgement, or blame, or fear, I say, “Dont go in that room,” you know that room, it’s way too dark and nothing good can come. I pull back into the Light Room, away from the story, back to the only truth. That I am Love.
Don’t Be Worried,
Today’s DIG Diary: I Am Not Going Anywhere
“You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly-that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
So yes, I’m still limping. Today I talked to a healer for two hours and she said I’m still not grounded and I wanted to cry. “I can’t HEAR that anymore,” I said. “What do you mean, what does everyone mean?” I was in a tizzy, and she seemed taken aback for a moment.
“Oh,” she said, patiently. “I don’t know what everyone else is telling you, but all the Universe wants you to do is take beautiful healing good care of yourself. That’s the message it wanted me to tell you.”
“Oh…” I said. “That’s- that’s actually really nice. I still feel like I’m not worthy of love.”
“I know,” she said. “You’re human. But you have great gifts,” she said. “You are a light of the world. We need you to care for yourself, we can’t lose your light.”
“Ok,” I said, tears in my eyes.
The most interesting thing happened last night. The pain that was in my heart, the death kind, the sick kind, the tearing apart, it moved to my foot. The night it happened I laid awake in the family cabin the night before the full moon and the pain in my heart and the foot were the same. Searing, angry, deathly sad, on fire. And pain is pain, I finally realized, pain is pain. And I wondered, when am I going to learn to stop and care for myself before I’m laid up in bed with a sprain or a fever, before I recognize I deserve the self care and love I so fervently wish for for others? But last night there was peace. Foot up and iced, the fan blowing on my skin, and a boxset of Miss Marple’s Mysteries from the library, finally I felt peace, and I felt it around me too. I went out under the moon at midnight, and she was not angry the way she was last month, I am always awoken under the full moon to go speak to her, to feel what she is bringing that cycle, and she was not a Kali moon this time, not intent to burn everything in my path. She was just the milky soft moon, soft and loving, worried and caring. With no wine, no pot, no men, no phone, just me in my nightgown under the moon, Gracie panting on the wooden floor in a pool of moonlight. There was peace. Be calm, someone said recently, for everything else is the weather and you are the sky. It is not about the STORY on the outside, it is only about the story on the inside. And mine is that I want love and I am love and I am seeking my home, I want no harm to anyone, just healing, just love, for myself and the whole. There is no other story for me. I hobbled into the pharmacy yesterday and the woman behind the counter asked about my tattoo. She was slow speaking and demure with a scarf over her head and her body wrapped in linens, and I told her, ashamed because I felt so weak, that it meant I was a spiritual warrior. “But I feel broken today,” I told her, nodding at my foot. “It’s over when warriors die,”she said plainly. She shrugged: “Your toe’s broken. I think you’re off the hook.” It’s not that we get to go through life with no pain, I know we need it. Pain tells us something is WRONG. Something needs healing. Somethign is broken and it needs to be healed. Pain is how we as energetic beings are awakened to our wounds. So thank you for my pain. I know these are just signs. I know it’s all just information. So I broke a little. A warrior isn’t truly down until she’s dead, and I believe in eternal spirit, and eternal resilience of the human spirit in this lifetime. But I’m not dead, I’m far from it, in fact I woke this morning unafraid. Unafraid of what? I asked myself. Of getting my heart broken, of rejection, of failure. Of someone not accepting me. Of others not liking me. I think this is what I meant— because so often these teachings come to me far before I’ve truly learned their meaning- this is what I meant when I said the other day- this is the place I’m in— where we start to rise up again after our last fire, our hearts full of the lessons from the last destruction, we rise to realize we are indominatable. Find your power, walk in your power, act in your power, your power is Love. a HUGE shift happens when I chose to move forward, get up, go in, be where I deserve to be, to stand up. the smallest decision to choose love, to choose yourself, has huge heroic effects on our soul. To stay and not run. To rise and not cower. It was August of last year that I ran from this Island I love so much. I thought it was because that boy dumped me in an email and I thought it was because I no longer had any real space to call home and because I had my Kundalini awakening and I was losing my old mind, and yes it was all that, and it was the energy of this Island in high summer, all these people coming here looking for somethign that they can only find in themselves but seeking OUT, and there is this anger and this frustration and resentment between summer people and island poeple and there are bike accidents and car accidents and the temperatures make the tempers soar— high temps mean short tempers— and it was all that but it was also this: past the honeymoon stage of a relationship into the REALNESS OF THE MIDDLE. The middle- that’s where I run from. Because I know beginnings and I know endings- oh do i know endings— but the middle, that’s the real hero’s journey. So here I am in the middle, the inbetween, the “hard parts,” the meat, where the parts where reality sets in— this is the part I’ve never been any good at, this is when I run, when I leave, my body and my home— but I am here to heal my ancient wounds from all my lifetimes, from when I ran from love or life’s fires- abandoend myself and lost my faith—when I was cast out of my home, and sent to wander alone forever— this is what I am healing and so I am staying. There is a goddess on this island, Goddess Martha, and I can hear her say, “can you handle this part, can you handle my underbelly, my not so beautiful sides, my tough sides, because to be mine you must be able to love all parts of me,” and I hear that, Martha, I feel you- Because I ask that people love all parts of me, the weak and the afraid parts, and when they run I know they were not meant for me. So I see you martha, all your parts, and I will love all parts of you. I love you Martha, even in high summer, when you are on fire, when you test absolutely every inch of my will and patience and peace. With my old life behind me and the new one before me, I will be patient, and I will nourish myself and love all parts of myself, and find my foundation and cool peace, even when, especially when, the summer scorches on with so much intensity. I feel it, my soul is scared that we will run again, and I will have to start over, and it’s shaking inside from fear. But I am calm now and still, and I say to myself, the abandoned loveless child inside, “Don’t worry. I am not going anywhere. I am just going to sit beside you until this storm passes. I am not going anywhere.” And she crawls out of her corner where she cowers from the world and she puts her head on my lap, and her shaking subsides. And then I stroke her hair the way my mother once did, and still does in my dreams. I won’t stop holding her until the storm is over, and I won’t stop telling her what she is dying to hear. “No matter what happens- I am not going anywhere.” I am not going anywhere.
- Osho
Living during this cycle of history comes with a unique set of challenges no previous generation faced. This is true in general, and it’s even more applicable during the amplified energetic cycles of 2012.
The cycle that started last weekend - with a three-week Mercury retrograde and other discordant planetary aspects - is adding intensity to your interactions and activities. If you have felt more stress than normal, these erratic energetic cycles could be one factor. Mercury retrogrades happen every year, of course, but this year they are joined by a plethora of milestone energies that are catalyzing revolutionary changes across the planet and within each person. As you may have noticed, almost as soon as you assimilate one energetic level, the next one arrives!
Be mindful as you go about making plans, interacting with people, and starting new projects. Take extra care, as many things may not go according to plan. You don’t need to understand astrology to be impacted by cycles of harsh or erratic planetary aspects. Knowing a bit about energy shifts like those occurring now, however, helps you to be better prepared. With more awareness of cycles, you can more skillfully respond to the ups-and-downs of your own moods, other people’s erratic behavior, and the chaos that comes with sudden shifting and unknowns.
Monitor your thoughts, catching yourself if you succumb to negative thinking and worry about what might happen next. Make the effort to stay positive. Remind yourself that you are experiencing a temporary fluctuation, and that the sun indeed shines just beyond the gloom-and-doom picture now appearing to be real.
Develop more patience. Whatever level of patience you have developed to date is likely to be tested more now. Even if you are the most patient person on your block, you will have moments of angst when the world around you seems turned upside down. Some challenges you recently viewed as relatively minor, or at least manageable, may feel like a big deal now. They aren’t - not really - so remember to apply patience and a higher perspective.
Everyone is impacted in your interconnected world. Discordant planetary aspects of this cycle are impacting humanity at large. This includes you and everyone you meet. You may be having a wonderful day, feeling inspired and confident about whatever is on your plate to handle. Other people, however, may be having a much different kind of day. An encounter with a stressed customer service representative can leave you out of sorts, unless you stay mindful of the bigger picture. Remember that not everyone is consciously awake. Also, even people with an awakened consciousness can have a bad day. Therefore, make the effort to be kind and allowing, teaching others through your own kindness a more gentle way to be.
Know yourself, know the territory. To successfully navigate the current radical cycles of energy affecting humanity, it’s helpful to understand how those cycles impact you personally. Having an awareness of your own planetary influences will help you know what times are likely to be challenging, why, and what remedies you can apply to smooth the ride. When you can apply antidotes in the moment when you are challenged, your life becomes more manageable. After all, you are a divine changemaker, learning to move into your true power to create. You are not a victim of circumstances - planetary or otherwise.
Self-inquiry during stressful moments is a powerful remedy. When you feel anxious, angry, or fearful, the first place you want to go is within. When others around you seem stressed, the first place you want to go is within. The answers you want are there, but they don’t come automatically - you must inquire. Only by cultivating your inner resource of wisdom can you respond in the highest way. When you access your inner wisdom, you save yourself needless heartache and missed opportunities. The more you cultivate this priceless tool, the more benefits you will receive - including a more peaceful way to respond to all kinds of situations.
Copyright 2012 by Selacia, Channel for The Council of 12 * All Rights Reserved * www.Selacia.com
DOITGIRL DIARY: “It’s What We’re Down Here For”
The path has been cleared for us to come into our higher selves. - we will continue to grow from there, but it’s time. We are aligning with our hearts. We can hear and feel when we are not speaking or acting from our heart and when others speak we can hear when they are not aligned with their hearts— and also when they are.
My friend has this wood nymph of a daughter, with long thin legs and a shiny sheet of silken blond hair, and she is the wisest and oldest of every room she floats into, at merely ten years old. She waits and watches patiently in shadows and corners before using her words.
Last night as I was leaving my friend’s house-the one with the mystical daughter— and telling her about something weighing on me, and in the middle of it all I said “so I’m miserable—”
“No you’re not,” said the little girl.
She had previously been so quiet, and she doesn’t take much room, a wisp of a thing, a long-gaited forest fairy.
I stopped and looked down at her and she stared right back at me, a wilted piece of pizza resting in her thin hand.
I was looking at her and I was thinking, I had just told myself and her mother how aligned I was beginning to feel, and look how I can’t even HEAR myself sometimes still, I throw words out so carelessly. I am still so unaware. What a low vibration it creates to throw out “I’m miserable.” How powerful it feels to say “I’m wonderful,” and how powerful, in the other direction, it is to say “I’m miserable.” How powerful our words are. There was a time when your word was everything— not your materials— your words. How true they are. I feel we are returning there. She is so wise and true, she heard the misalignment, the lie, immediately.
“You’re right,” I said, smiling at her. “I’m not miserable- not at all.” She shook her head, like, nope. ” Thank you for saying that,
I said. “The situation makes me frustrated but I love my life and I’m very happy.”
Then she smiled. satisfied, and nibbled on her pizza.
Children come into this world aligned of heart and mind, saying what they truly mean. Only later do they learn they can’t always speak their heart and their mind. Only later do their words stop matching up with their heart, they stop believing anything is possible, they start feeling like they have to please. When did I stop? When did you stop? When did the words we say stop matching up with what we truly felt? If only we all had heart police-little ten year old sages-watching our every word. “That’s not what you meant. That didn’t come from your heart, I felt it.”
When I was in high school I could get easy A’s in English on nearly everything I wrote, but I rarely ever meant what I wrote, I could just write beautiful fluffy things that sounded good. I was getting dangerously good at being what others wanted. Senior year I got back a paper I wrote on my mother’s death. I had been picking away at and dancing around how I really felt but I never made it to the marrow. I wanted to pretend I had all the answers. This was long before I knew “I don’t know” was the most authentic thing you could say. When the paper came back with an “A-” the teacher scribbled in red ink, “Beautiful… but did you really mean this?” Of course I went into defense mode and rallied my friends against the teacher, the way I once was, this toxic “I’ll get you before you get me, how dare you, etc” mentalilty. But it hurt because it was true.
She had seen right through me, it wasn’t how I really felt and the problem was I didn’t KNOW how I really felt. I was so lost and disconnected. I had gotten way too good at telling people what they wanted to hear. And I got away with it way too often. It was always what they thought of me not what I thought of myself. It was about impressing and pleasing. It was about if something was working for them, even if it wasn’t working for me. It amazes me now I once was good at small talk, I could work a room at a movie or fashion premiere or a backstage, easily, I was so good at bullshit. These scenarios petrify me now. The addiction to approval was a tragedy. I cant tell you how many times my fiancé asked me, “is that what you really meant?” and how frustrated we both were because I was so lost I didnt even KNOW. He could feel the disconnect between my heart and my words, that I was only saying what I thought he wanted to hear. To finally feel the alignment, truly now, today ,as if I am speaking directly from my heart, is what I am feeling deep deep gratitude for today. I’m wondering if you’re feeling this shift too, climbing into the new skin of your Highest Self as we move into the second half of 2012.
I’ve been realizing: Ask yourself what you fear and you shall know what you want.
And, oh yes: the old paradigm way of treating animals— if you don’t mind I might start using this space to point out whats old paradigm and whats new—
Old paradigm “Don’t worry so much, she’s JUST A DOG.” No, that’s Divine life, prana, just like you, a being who might not speak a written language but with whom you can COMMUNICATE VERY CLEARLY and have very loving honest loyal relationships. They have their language we have ours. We walk the earth with them, share the path, learn from them as they from us, we are all saving each other and walking each other home. They are here to love and to be themselves, just like you are here to love and to be yourself. I could go on forever about dogs as you know, but the old ways of accusing someone of caring too much for a creature— how primitive they will seem soon, and with all the evidence of how smart dolphins, cows, horses, dogs truly are…did you know that by communing with animals you can clear your energy field? I have to stop myself or I’ll go on forever.
So in early spring my best friend gave me a necklace that was a pair of angel wings on red string. The idea is you make a wish, tie it on, and when it falls off that wish comes true. Well recently there has been a deep feeling of inauthenticity inside me when I wish for romantic love. Because I know that’s not the order of these things. The order is self love and foundation and a true understanding of WHO YOU ARE, then romantic love. Otherwise I am constantly building houses on sand and I am always repeating the same patterns. There’s something in me that falls apart for men, that gives it all away, that says “will you love me so I don’t have to” or SOMETHING. So I tied this necklace one night this spring under a flood of lights at a gas station, and I wished for LOVE, and it has yet to come off. And I thought it would never break. I joked to a friend who asked about it, “I am going to die single with this thing tied to my neck.” I even tugged on it a bit during my last quasi-relationship, to give it a boost. But it didn’t budge.
So yesterday I had a moment, driving down-island after a quick but invigorating run with gracie out at Sepiessa Point, down the road my mother rented for us during her last summer ever, at a house where we could walk across the cool grass in the morning and slip into the mist-covered glassy waters of the pond. I was driving past the red granary galley in west tisbury when it came, “This is Home.” the message passed through me with a shudder of integration. “You really think so?” I asked with fragile hope, so tired recently of “rejection” and “failure.”
“Where else would it be,” my higher self asked. “I don’t know,” I thought, “Bolinas… Scotland…” “Yes Yes in the future maybe. But for now, this island is it. It is as mystical and magical as you can get right now. It is right for you. There are healers and farmers and artists and yogins. There are friends who show up for you and you them.You are barefoot in nature and never too far away from healing waters, your essence, the ocean. So Be here now. This is as close to home as you need, you have been called here and you are here now and that is that. Settle in. Be at home. This is your home.” And then when I got to the house I took a phone call and as I talked I stood in front of the mirror for a second and unconsciously ran my hand along the string of my necklace— which then fell off in my hand. A wish had come true. And that maybe when I made that inauthentic wish, the gods heard the real one, beneath the one I thought the world wanted to hear, deep but buried in fear. Like the wood nypmh, they said, “That’s not what you meant,” and gave me what my heart asked for, not my words.
Ask yourself what you fear and you will know what you want.
This whole story is all on my best friend’s voicemail, I left the whole yarn on her phone before nine am this Saturday morning. It is so freeing to have friends who love you in all the weird and freaky funny ways that you are. I write the way I talk and I talk the way I write. Once in a while I’ll be talking the way I do, a little out there, and she will say “Crunch!” [Like “You’re a total hippie”] but mostly she just really listens and thinks about what I say and really talks to me from her heart. She loves and respects me, the two essential ingredients for every healthy relationship. She calls me on my shit, she cares about my choices.
Gracie told me something yesterday-you know how I always say “choose the experience?” Well for me that’s a different choice every moment but you it, you know it when you are faced with it. Last night I had my phone in front of me as well as my sweet dog, and I felt the pull away from technology, toward the living. That’s choosing the experience, not the void, the numbness. And I put my phone down and I held Gracie instead.
“This is good, thanks,” she seemed to say. But then the real wisdom came: “It’s what we’re down here for, she said. To be with each other.”
DOITGIRL DIARY: REMEMBER OUR CHOICES
Paul Simon - Crazy Love vol.II
DOITGIRL. If there was one message for NOW I would say I would say it’s “imagine a new life for yourself and start living it,” like Paulo Coehlo said. {Can You See it? I can see mine…} I have been aware of this year reaching its Tipping Point [ “The point at which a series of small ineffective changes acquires enough pressure or importance to cause a larger, more significant change.” …. “The point at which the buildup of minor incidents reaches a level that causes someone to do something they had formerly resisted.”]. Of monumental things happening BEHIND THE “SEENS.” Of letting the work take place on my soul by the universe, and offering myself up to be worked over for the highest good. Many many people have said “I feel like I have been given my opportunity for change, and that I should take it.” They mention windows opening for them to jump, breaks in the storm for them to run off the porch and head in the direction of a new improved life, the life they see for themselves in their dreams.- their true life. Kali has burned through what no longer serves us, made decisions we couldn’t, and freed us to live up to our highest potential. Seize this time. You are supported to make the BIG CHANGES.
After this month I’ve realized that the only thing to take seriously in life are your dreams.
In the spring I sat in a doctor’s office for a check up, the woman walked in in her white coat and long brown hair and I heard myself blurt out, “I’m a witch,” and she said, “I know, so am I.” I interviewed a woman the other day in a cafe near the harbor, she came in in her khakis and black gap blouse and perfectly straightened blond hair and still I knew. She didnt have to look like me or some other wild women I know, so wild we could lay down in the forest and blend right in. Half way in, she told me. She was talking about how she felt during Wednesday’s thunderstorm, out in the rushing winds in her back yard. “The energy was amazing,” she said, her eyes lighting up. I can feel and sense a mystical heart now, I know it when they come into the room. A woman in tune with herself and mother nature, that’s a witch to me.
Come fall I pray I’ll have my reiki room set up. Come fall I pray I’ll have my own house up island where I all hear is breeze and ocean, where Gracie can run free and I can shower again outside as the rain falls. Where I can have friends come visit again and track their sandy feet across the wood floors and just stay for a week, til they feel better. I am grateful for the firestorms of July. I see now I can heal from losing something my heart once cried out for. I see now my chosen suffering and that I can choose peace and healing. The flick of the switch, the healing happens instantaneously and suddenly you just hear yourself singing again. Can you make everyone in the room feel love with your thoughts alone? Try it. Receive the benefits. I have been grateful again this week. I have seen what Love can do this week. I have seen truths that I could have let hurt me but instead I chose to let them heal me and move me forward. I have been carried. I can feel it. You know when you have extra wings around you, guiding you through. I talked to my little cousin this morning and she told me about the first time she knew my late mother was an angel, she remembers feeling like she was picked up and held, and she “knew it was Auntie Elizabeth.” I remember when I came home from the hospital after Mom died and just laid down on my bed and cried, when I disctinctly felt, and still, I can feel, as if I was picked up from where I laid and I was held, suspended in air. If only I had known then how real it really was.
Who Told You You Had to See it to Believe It? Old Paradigm.
Welcome to the New Paradigm,
Where You have to FEEL It to Believe it.
Are you taking steps toward your dreams or away from them? Are you burying a truth or a deciscion, do you feel its breath hot on your back? What is the obstacle? Face it and Lean into it. Stop calling them problems, try “puzzles.” Nothing you can’t handle. Nothing. I have seen your storms, I know what you have Survived. This is nothing. Move Forward. Cross the Threshold. Any backwards motion or regressive thought will feel sickly now, like decay. Choose Newness, resilence, growth, opening. Remember our choices at every moment.
LIFE or DEATH
HERO or VICTIM
LOVE or FEAR
Remember self love is universal love. Always start with your heart to heal the world. So today for the good of the world, do something that makes you happy. Oh, please do it now and not “later.” Receive how good it feels to do something that brings you joy, unscheduled, without a “reason,” then put your hands into the earth and offer the world the love and peace you feel.
Blessings to Colorado.
“I could choose peace instead of this.” — A Course in Miracles
Love,
DIG.
THE LAW OF CREATION - Life doesn’t just HAPPEN, it requires our participation. We are one with the Universe both inside and out. Whatever surrounds us gives us clues to our inner state. BE and DO yourself what you want to have in your life.
THE LAW OF HUMILITY - What you refuse to accept, will continue for you. If what we see is an enemy, or someone with a character trait that we find to be negative, then we ourselves are not focused on a higher level of existence.
THE LAW OF GROWTH - Wherever you go, there you are. For us to GROW in Spirit it is WE who must change and not the people, places or things around us. The only given we have in our lives is OURSELVES, and that is the only factor we have control over. When we change who and what we are within our heart, our life changes too.
THE LAW OF RESPONSIBILITY - Whenever there is something wrong, there is something wrong in me. We mirror what surrounds us and what surrounds us mirrors us: we must take responsibility for what is in our life.
THE LAW OF CONNECTION - Even if something we do seems inconsequential, it is very important that it gets done as everything in the Universe is connected. Each step leads to the next step and so forth and so on. Someone must do the initial work to get a job done. Neither the first step nor the last are of greater significance-they were both needed to accomplish the task. Past, Present, Future…they are all connected…
THE LAW OF FOCUS - You can’t think of two things at the same time. You should climb up a ladder on step at a time. When you lose your focus you let in insecurities and anger.
THE LAW OF GIVING AND HOSPITALITY - If you believe something to be true, then sometime in your life you will be called upon to demonstrate that truth. Here is where we put what we SAY that we have learned into PRACTICE.
THE LAW OF HERE AND NOW - Looking back to examine what was prevents us from being totally in the HERE AND NOW. Old thoughts, old patterns of behavior, old dreams…Prevent us from having new ones.
THE LAW OF CHANGE - History repeats itself until we learn the lessons that we need to change our path.
THE LAW OF PATIENCE AND REWARD - All Rewards require initial toil. Rewards of lasting value require patient and persistent toil. True joy follows doing what we’re suppose to be doing, and waiting for the reward to come in it’s own time.
THE LAW OF SIGNIFICANCE AND INSPIRATION - You get back from something whatever you’ve put into it. The value of something is a direct result of the energy and intent that is put into it. Every personal contribution is also a contribution to the Whole. Lack luster contributions have no impact on the Whole or work to diminish it.
David Whyte
We’re quick to connect and relate with others this morning as Luna conjuncts communicative Mercury rx, and sextiles lovely Venus. Small trips, socializing, and conversations should be quite pleasurable. We also tend to enjoy the light that we are shining upon others as Moon struts through proud Leo, and while yesterday’s Cancer New Moon continues to vibrate powerful loving energy. Whatever you approach throughout your day; whether it be a positive place in your life, or an upsetting work or relationship situation… quietly smile and affirm ‘I am love’.
Today’s DIG Diary: I am the Keeper of My Eternal Heart
DOITGIRL
Townes Van Zandt To Live is to Fly
DOITGIRL.
Thanks to Mercury in Retrograde I wrote — then lost— this whole post on how my suffering was all optional, and how deep inside I knew it. I knew it these last two weeks even after I continued to choose to suffer. I kept choosing Suffer Road, Wrong Road, Old Paradigm Road and thinking something would be different (the defiinition of insanity) or that I would end up in a different place. [I Know This Old Road I Go Down. To think someone else or something outside of myself- their love or approval— could save me, I forget my own worth, my own love, my own power, I toss it away for the love or approval from another. And sometimes I’m lazy on my path, like, “will you do my work for me?” Or sometimes, a lot, I sacrifice myself, in this very unworthy way. ] That’s the problem anyway, i was thinking about all of it too much, stuck in my buzzing head, which was on fire with old, separate, defensive, finger-pointed -out not -pointed -in angry fiery energy. I’m happy to say this is a Cooling New Moon. I’m happy to say you will be supported as you move that buzzing spitting bubbling enerrgy down to your God-like heart. Just like Mother Earth your heart is the great transformer. Move all the lies & confusion from the head into the wise and ancient heart. I wrote about how as soon as I start to feel sadness about a sitatuation there is now a voice inside me that says “we can choose to trust this rupture and go gracefully” we don’t have to go all the way back down into the mud with this one. We don’t “deserve” to hurt, we are just programmed to hurt. These ruptures and separations and being faced with all our old behavior patterns are all part of the transit. But then I punish myself through the old motions of suffering anyway. But we don’t have to lay down in mud and suffer anymore, the gates to freedom are unlocked and not only that, they’re swung wide open. And I feel so deeply torn open when I am suffering- like a soul autoospy- a soul torn between two worlds, and that’s accurate, I believe, my soul is torn between Death and Life. It’s always the choice, just like Victim or Hero. The past is choosing death. The present is choosing life. Acceptance of our reality is our transformation. Chooseing between the illusion/lies and what Is. To choose not to suffer, to choose to tap on the heart and breathe and stay present and trust, to move through the fear and not run is to choose life, to say yes to constant evolution, for that’s what chanege is and Life is. So last night I got my heart whispered on a back porch in the breeze and I felt all these ghosts leaving my heart, walking out of it, single file. And then I drove home and they continued to walk out of my heart, little flumes of smoke and dust, clearing out and taking their gunk with them. And I drove home past an electric pink sunset and I went home and I sat down and I meditated. I have not given myself the time or attention to do this in weeks. I have been caught in the buzzing in my head, the drama, the story, the illusion, like banging my fists on the walls of my imagined prison. And last night was, even if five minutes, a highly educational meditation, I just went straight into the vortex. And I saw things I needed to see and I was grateful, and I was leaving I heard “Just Become Her Already,” and it was like someone reached a hand through my chest to grab my heart when I heard that because of course I Knew Exactly What They Meant.
Just Be Her Already. Let your Higher Self Out. Accept that this is all happening. That these messages of love are real and that you don’t have to suffer anymore and you dnt have to wear the old hats and clothes and behaviors of your old self. You can BE HER NOW, YOU can BE THAT WOMAN YOU BELIVE THAT YOU ARE. Belief is the most powerful tool we have as humans, belief transforms. You are your highest self. You are her now. You dont have to wait any longer to let your God self your Angel Heart out of its cage. There is no time to waste there never was. And now there is a thunderstorm rushing through the northeast tonight and its has cooled the air and it is flushing out the pain storms we’ve created these past two weeks and it is carrying it all away. You can stand in your truth while the winds howl. You are your highest self. Stop with the illusions. One of the biggest questions to ask yourself right now is What Do You Want. I for one have been tossing out the romantic dream of the partner and the child because it’s easy to say, not that I dont long for it— I am a starseed and I have always longed for earthly things, with my nose pressed against the glass of this life. But more than the romantic dream, because yes yes of course I want the man and the child on the water, I am not worried about that, that will all come, I am made of love and I am always attracting love, but no the BIGGER DREAMS. The SOUL DREAMS. What does that mean to you?
I stirred up a lot of hearts when I talked about my pain in my break up, about that week I tried so desperately to revive the corpse of my biggest relationship, but I wanted to tell you, as I told someone the other day, that that pain, the kind of pain that swoops in and pulverizes, not the kind we choose— had that pain not happened, my heart would not have cracked wide open. [“The Wound is Where the Light Comes In,” Rumi] Now I am In My Heart and I Come from My Heart. It needed to get cracked wide open like an ancient mummy’s tomb, hardended from lifetimes of pain and sorrow. But here we are in this new paradigm with all our power, awareness, and choice. I am here to free myself. I am here to heal my wounds and heal my ancestors wounds. I am the Keeper of My Eternal Heart.
do not, I could nevertheless say that I lived in the
same town as the lilies of the field, and the still
waters.
strong men tending flowers.
all beautiful things, inherently, have this function -
to excite the viewers toward sublime thought. Glory
to the world, that good teacher.
the greatest.
singing, especially when singing is not necessarily
prescribed.
and full of detail; it wants to polish itself; it
wants to love another body; it is the only vessel in
the world that can hold, in a a mix of power and
sweetness: words, song, gesture, passion, ideas,
ingenuity, devotion, merriment, vanity, and virtue.
As Jupiter quincunx Pluto rx this morning, we can find ourselves struggling with issues between the heart and the truth. With Jupiter’s recent shift into Gemini, honesty would be a breath of fresh air, but inner conflict rises when it comes to sacrificing our comfort zone. And to stimulate movement with change in direction, Mars will oppose rebellious Uranus retrograde tonight. This particular energy is known for bizarre and unexpected happenings that invites intrigue, while in the same breath, causes major resistance. Anything can happen under this fiery ball of energy, so it may be safe for us to expect that minds will flip flop, which can cause last minute changes. We can experience the continuance of the storm, starting with
last night’s Mars/Pluto rx storm, in order to create a brilliant version of reality.
Sure, we all have our own goals, but to connect, we must ALL be willing to meet each other halfway. This is explosive energy that is in the air, which can fuel us straight ahead, at top speed. Powerful vibrations can move us beyond current obstacles, creating new positive directions. If used improperly, we can overreact from high tension, causing separations, that lead us onto our own separate paths. Emotions can feel incredibly challenged under this delicate Cancer Moon, which strengthens our passion to flow with the current, flowing further than we ever imagined. What direction are you willing to fight for today? ”He who can burn with water, and wash with fire, makes a heaven out of earth and a precious earth out of heaven.” Porta Dei Cieli. Tarot insight: You can’t control love.
“Moon of Rest and Beginnings”
Location: moon is 0 - 45 degrees ahead of the Sun It is in alignment, directly between the earth and the sun, therefore hidden. The New Moon is the only Time the eclipse of the sun can be seen.
Span:
Day of, to three and a half days later. The Moon’s un-illuminated side is facing the Earth. The Moon is not visible (except during a solar eclipse).
Positive activities:
A soothing time of rest and planning for new beginnings; new growth; love, the beginning of or renewing of; bringing things in; regeneration; give thanks. This is a time of new beginnings and new undertakings. It can be a starting point for kicking that bad habit, or simply beginning a project. Put ideas in motion, become engaged, make long term relationship plans. The waxing Moon is a time of spontaneous and instinctual action. This is a time when efforts will grow visible. Transitions may seem to be accepted more calmly than other phases. A time for hair cuts to promote growth, medical treatments or getting your moneys worth from that facial!!
Goals:
Time to set new goals and review old ones for both the long and short term. Relates to the planting of the seeds.
SOULFUL & ASTROLOGICAL NEW MOON UPDATES from CATHY PAGANO.
About The Sign of Cancer
The zodiac sign of Cancer is the Cosmic Womb, Mother of all, the place of gestation and inner growth. The constellation of Cancer is a nursery of galaxies. The creativity of Cancer is not limited to physical birth, however; the seeds Cancer gestates are creative seeds, the forms diverse and individual. Cancer is associated with the waters of life, and its creativity lies in all aspects of life - biological, artistic, imaginative, practical, and mystical. Cancer is our creative matrix: Cancer contains the powers of creation and destruction, life and death.
The power of Cancer lies in the Moon, in its ability to give form and shape to the seeds of life. While the Sun symbolizes Consciousness, the Moon symbolizes the Unconscious, both our unconscious behavior patterns as well as the magical cauldron of the Collective Unconscious. The Moon’s light comes and goes, imaging the lunar consciousness of Feminine Spirit’s mystery and potential. The Moon’s energy is related to our emotions, our intuitions and our need to nurture. Like the tenacious Crab (watch out for her claws!), which is the symbol for Cancer, we tend to form strong emotional attachments to the things we create.
Cancer can give rise to positive mother-love, the much-needed bond a child or a project needs to thrive; giving support to the child’s development, talents and goals. But like the playful, shifting moonlight, pure light can turn to darkness if we hold on too long. The mother needs to let go at the right time for her child to mature, or the child gets stuck in the negative Mother complex - the dark, devouring Mother who is never satisfied. The Moon teaches us the rhythms of attachment and release, of ebb and flow. The waters of the Earth, and of our bodies, dance to the rhythm of the Moon.
Cancer New Moon
We know that a new Moon begins a new cycle of energy each month. Every year, the Cancer new Moon offers us an opportunity to renew our emotional body. And since the Moon is the ruler of Cancer, it makes this new Moon renewal doubly important. When we understand our unconscious motivations, we can work with our feelings and choose our actions. When we continue to ignore our emotions and instincts, our old behaviors deaden us, the inner ‘well’ runs dry and we’re stuck going round and round the same place, the same issues, the same feelings. When we don’t acknowledge and take care of our emotional body, it’s not as easy to activate new energy each month. In the first instance, we are being empowered by the positive mother-complex. In the second, we are caught in the negative-mother complex. This new Moon wants us to embody our feelings and learn to work with them. Then on the following new Moons we can get on to new business.
Cancer is an action-oriented water sign, picking up not only on our own feelings, but the feelings of people around us. Cancer pushes us to do something about those feelings, helping us stay creative, fluid and mobile, adapting to the situation. Cancer symbolizes the Mother, and it is Mom who nurtures our original emotional body. Moms have to go with the flow and be attuned to our child’s needs and emotions, and when a person has strong Cancer influences in their chart, they too develop the ‘mom antenna’ that lets them know exactly what’s going on beneath the surface. The trick with Cancer is to know when to do something about it and when to hold back and give silent support.
When we accept the ‘positive mother’ we actually like ourselves and our values, especially if they contribute to the whole community. We don’t compare ourselves to some cultural stereotype of who we should be, and we certainly don’t give more value to other people’s opinions than to our own original thoughts and ideas.
We learn about who we are by what we value - truth, honesty, integrity, beauty, grace, kindness, compassion. Walt Whitman’s advice is pertinent now, as we work on the desperately needed transitions our society has to make. Each of us, working together, can create a new way of living on our great Mother, the Earth. But we have to have values that we’re willing to stand up for. Cancer urges us believe in ourselves, trust ourselves and work to create a better life for all of us.
The Sabian symbol for the Sun and Moon at 27* Cancer is: A violent storm in a canyon filled with expensive homes. This symbol refers to a confrontation between our social norms and Nature. This kind of intense energy can destroy superficial, materialistic world-views which are out of alignment with Nature. And it reminds us that as we face the karmic crisis of a depleted environment and a soul-less society, we have to change our values - or rather, begin to live by those values we say we believe in. Our expensive houses and comfortable way of life will do us no good unless we work with Nature, and our own human nature, not against her.
This Cancer new Moon is challenged by Saturn in Libra, asking us to take others into consideration when we decide what we need and what we value. Which relationships are nurturing to you? Which relationships aren’t? This Cancer new Moon is a great time to meditate and be alone with yourself. First learn to mother yourself, because that’s how we learn to know what we need. Once we understand our own emotional needs, we can tune into others without projecting our needs onto them. And like a great mom, we can actually listen to their emotional bodies and understand just what kind of help and support they need.
Other Astrological Influences
Venus at 16* Gemini: A woman activist in an emotional speech dramatizing her cause. This symbol speaks to the passion we feel about any deep experience of life. We naturally want to share it. On this new Moon, Venus has moved back to the degree where she visibly joined the Sun on June 5th. Her energy will help us discover what it is we love and value. What we’re passionate about. Passion wants to be shared.
Venus, Jupiter, Uranus and Mercury play together, generating interesting and innovative ideas to plant and nurture. Both Uranus and Mercury just went retrograde, taking you deep within for answers. Those new ideas will help us deal creatively with the Uranus/Pluto square.
Mars steps in to become part of the Pluto/Uranus square at the new Moon. These three strong energies are clashing and so they can represent that ‘violent storm’ in the new Moon’s sabian symbol. It’s a good time to be aware of what’s going on around you.
The Sabian symbol for Mars at 9*Libra is: Three ‘old masters’ hanging on a wall of a special room in an art gallery. This symbol refers to’ the need to return to the source during a confused search for new value in a chaotic society.’ (Dane Rudhyar: An Astrological Mandala) This symbol speaks to the need to identity oneself with one’s archetypal essence - which Uranus in Aries is also trying to wake us up to. We need to go back to the patterns of life which our culture has ignored to our detriment. So step into your archetypal ‘master’ and learn to act as if you’re the hero/ine of your own life.
Uranus is still at 9*Aries: A crystal gazer. And Pluto is at 8*Capricorn: An angel carrying a harp. All good indications that we can proceed in a positive manner, despite the intensity of energies being generated. But for a positive outcome to any situation, you need to be aware of your feelings, your instincts and your values.
Mars in Libra seeks balance, but with Pluto in Capricorn challenging it and Uranus in Aries activating it, we all need to remember to breathe. Mars and Pluto have similar energies; both deal with will, power and passion (again!). Mars deals with more personal desires while Pluto speaks to evolutionary imperatives. Both can be ruthless and domineering, while Uranus can add the spark that sets the fire. So watch what you say and do and become a peaceful warrior with everyone you meet. Thankfully, Mars and Venus are in a good relationship, so think (both planets are in air signs) positive thoughts in the midst of stress and act on those peaceful, passionate beliefs with all the charm and graciousness you can muster.
